The Cow Lisp Rules

And Chicago Printers Row Lit Fest - Sep 6th from 3-6pm

The Cow Lisp Rules

The second BarnYard Heroes novel, BarnYard Heroes: The Havarti Travel Bureau Conspiracy or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Cow Zombie Apocalypse, was many years in the making. My local writing group, The Writing Journey, critiqued every chapter and a few multiple times. A common topic of discussion was the cow’s lisp.

• How should the lisp sound?

• Why isn’t it consistent?

• How annoying is it?

• If the “s” makes a “z” sound, would the cow lisp that?

Eventually, I settled on “thh” substitution for “s”. But substituting every “s” the cow spoke with “thh” made it very difficult to read. And write. Mississippi would end up as Mithhthhithhthhippi. No good. The lisp had to be used sparingly. This made it inconsistent, which annoyed some reviewers.

I researched how other writers handle speech impediments. They agreed that overusing the impediment can be distracting and likely condescending. Some suggest introducing the unique speech pattern the first time the character speaks and then drop it. I didn’t like this advice since it defeated a primary reason for using the lisp. I wanted to make it clear when the cow spoke without using dialog tags. In the end, my research concluded I should limit the use of the lisp.

I struggled with when to write the lisp and decided I needed a consistency to the inconsistency. Show the lisp for a standard set of words where the reader will easily recognize the actual word. I’d read about how Seinfeld and the Road Runners had rules for their shows, so I came up with my cow lisp rules:

Substitute “s” with “thh” for:

• yes - yethh

• sir – thhir

• so – shho

• Words ending with ‘s

• someone – thhomeone

• some – thhome

• say – thhay

• Browns – Brownthh

• us – uthh

• super - thhuper

• Supercow – Thhupercow

Since I write in English, there are of course exceptions to the rules:

• Occasional Plurals, ex: needs – needthh, means - meanthh

• Six (thhix) and does (doethh) at the beginning of the novel

What the Lisp Rules accomplished:

• Provided limits on the use of the lisp

• Enough usage to remind readers of the cow’s lisp

• Reduced the number of dialog tags

• Repeated lisp spellings of the same word should become familiar to the reader

Despite the rule, reviewers still commented about the inconsistent lisp. So, I added an explanation for the inconsistency in Chapter One via the cow’s conversation with Agents Burgundy and Maroon. A side note: their names were originally Agents Black and Blue. I hope some folks figure out why I made the change. It’s another rule for the novel.

Thanks go out to my copy editor, Tara Gillim, who, on top of general copy editing tasks, had to verify the crazy rules I invented.

Click to get your copy of BarnYard Heroes: The Havarti Travel Bureau Conspiracy today.

Chicago Printers Row Lit Fest

Come out to Printers Row Lit Fest in Downtown Chicago on Saturday, September 6th and stop by my table at the Chicago Writers Association booth from 3-6pm.

Buy signed copies of the first two BarnYard Heroes Novels at discounted prices. Collect the latest BarnYard Heroes trading cards. Enjoy all the 40th Annual Printers Row Lit Fest has to offer.

The Chicago Writers Association will be located in Tent JJ, on Dearborn St., just north of Polk Street and Dearborn Station, circled in red on the map below.

I'll be the guy in the crazy shirt that from a distance looks like the Boston album cover, but upon closer examination has a cow/spaceship theme in celebration of my second BarnYard Heroes novel which features the cow. The shirt is bright and bold. It will be hard to miss.

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